Time has to be the only thing we haven’t found a way to control, hence it being the most powerful force. They say with time, you’ll move on and let go. In fact, it heals all wounds including heart breaks. But how come it’s been years now and I’m still treating those wounds? My heart hasn’t even attempted to stitch itself back up and it is weakened, crumbling to fine dust every day, ready to be swept away by the final blow of this whirlwind called love.
“Jemima, you need closure.” I hear my friends say whenever that dark cloud of uncertainty hovers over me. Somehow I only manage a blank stare as those can of worms open and scurry about, etching themselves and filling my thoughts with unwanted memories. All that seems to haunt me Is unanswered questions.
“Wasn’t I good enough?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“Did I mean something or just another passer-by?”
“Did you ever feel the same way?”
“Was I blinded by your words, lost in the way your tongue rolled effortlessly as your words came out so eloquently.”
“Are smooth talkers the best liars?”
“Will I be remembered?”
“Who loved who more?”
“Was I like the others?”
“Did I disappoint you?”
“Do you still think about me too?”
These questions circle around my thoughts at the oddest times and it’s no wonder I can’t move on. It’s because that door is still wide open and out of it comes ghosts of my past ready to torment me again. I’ve learned that I can’t solve this by running through another door. So long as that door remains open, the ghosts will follow.
I’ve tried everything in the book. I’ve cried till I turned numb, I tried to find comfort in the solace of another but nothing works. I’ve written my feelings down, I’ve spoken out but I always seem to find myself in the same very spot; My thumb suspended mid air as the words are at the tip of my fingers, at the tip of my tongue sometimes, but still they stay glued on, heavy and afraid of the unknown. Like somehow I’ve found this present situation comforting and finding out the truth will unchain much more than ghosts and I’ll be unable to move on forever.
I’ve been told it’s all about time but time seems to be doing nothing. It just finds ways to torment me. Time has been nothing but a trigger, laughing every time I crawl back to that hole I’ve dug for myself.
I need closure but I’m not sure I want it. Hopefully, with time as they say, it will pass.
First publish on Lucidlemons.com – August 30, 2015