If you’ve ever been told that you’ve ‘chased’ a potential bae away because you’re too picky or your standards are too high then I believe you can relate to this.
Someone once told me I should stop complaining because I chased boys away with my high standards. So maybe, just maybe, I need to lower them a bit, they said. I was shocked because up until that moment, I didn’t think I had a type, not to talk of standards. So it got me thinking, and I have to ask, what exactly are standards?
I met a lady recently who knew what she was looking for and what she will never accept. She was different, unlike some of us who just wander about aimlessly, looking for someone, just anyone who will love us just the way we are. She had this idea of love which centered solely on God and that’s what she’s looking for in a guy; to love God as much as she does if not more. She felt that if he loved God enough to fear him, at least half of the BS that goes wrong in relationships will never occur. It might not seem much, but that’s because I summarised it. She was pretty specific. We were in a group and most of us thought she was delusional. I’m pretty sure people think she’ll never find that guy and someone even said she would be ‘domineering’. Crazy right? What we all implied, myself included, was that she ought to be realistic a bit. In other words, lower her standards. I then realized that I was in no position to advise such, as it would be hypocritical of me.
Later, I began to reflect on what my so-called standards were, what I liked or disliked, what I would expect and what I will accept, but it still didn’t make sense. My list wasn’t even as solid as the lady’s, so what’s everyone on about? It just had nothing to do with some of the guys I supposedly “chased away.” I’m sorry, but once the emotional connection isn’t there, it’s just not there.
But let’s just say I do have a perfect picture in mind, and I want him to speak a certain way, dress a certain way, his beliefs and qualities flow a certain way, what’s wrong with that? Why are these considered too high? And why do I have to lower these standards? I mean there is a reason why I picked these things. It really just makes me assertive about what I need. No one knows what’s best for me other than me. No one knows what I’ve been through, the demons and battles I fight every day and what I’ve lost. No one knows my story like I do and nobody can do me better than myself. So no one has the right to tell me, my standards are too high.
You can’t sit on the throne you’ve placed yourself on and act like you know what’s best for me, or the way of life I want. It’s amazing how people who haven’t picked out the log in their eye want to help pick out the speck in yours. Why do I have to lower my standards? Why can’t whoever rise up to the occasion? If it’s meant to be, it will be- regardless of what my standards are.
Anyone who is intimidated by you, the future you envision and knows they don’t fit into your life is exactly the kind of person who has no place in your life in the first place. I don’t believe you can “chase” people away, I believe in fate so if they’re meant to be in your life, they will be, regardless of what you may say or do or whatever standards you may have.
Life tends to play tricks on you and even these standards become irrelevant and gone with the wind. God loves a good laugh so ideally, whoever is in your life is not because your standards were high, low or moderate, it’s just because they’re meant to be in your life either for good or for a lesson. I really do think, for times when you lower your standards and settle, later on in life, you’re reminded of why you had those standards and safeguards in the first place.
By the way, we’ve made a bad habit of trying to bring people down when they are bold enough to go after what they want. Over the years, we got accustomed to using words like ‘aggressive’ and ‘domineering’ to try and make women, especially, apologetic for being assertive. Why? I guess it’s because we are trying to convince ourselves of something and maybe help with our insecurities. But people please. Enough is enough.
Although I don’t think I have standards (maybe I do and I’m too stubborn to accept this), I do think that you shouldn’t be forced to lower your standards. I’m pretty sure there’s someone out there thinking, “She’s probably going to grow old alone at this rate.” But whatever, that’s me.
What about you? Do you think you have standards? Are they too high and the reason why you haven’t found bae? How do you define high standards and at what point should you lower them and settle? Are you searching for something rational and tangible or for something way more? For me it’s all about matters of the heart, so is that too unrealistic? Feel free to share.