My flaws (excuse me if I’m not perfect)

Everyday, no matter how excited, happy or overjoyed I am, my insecurities always set in. It’s like it reaches a particular point, it’s climaxes then I reach an all time low. I think out of all my flaws the most tragic is waiting to be accepted, like I’m continually seeking for people’s approval. It comes with all the package of being a people pleaser but I don’t go ahead to do what I want to do, I stop, and wait for approval, especially those who matter or those who I thought mattered.
One thing about me is that if I want you to like me, want you to accept me, I’d do everything within my power to make sure you do. I’m not subtle about it and where it gets worse is that I will continually do things to keep you interested, please you even when I’m out of my comfort zone, I feel it’s my obligation. But really, where has this brought me ? No where. I mean people just run you over, always pull you down. No matter how much i say “I don’t care” i do! No matter how much I vent and say I’m done! I will be the one running back, making things right, pulling more weight than I should, I will be the one carrying the guilt for two, giving excuses when the truth is staring at me bleakly. This never ends well but I never learn.
Half of the things I do, the number of people who would do the same for me aren’t even up to my left hand. It’s painful whenever I think about it. But I actually deserve it come to think of it, like my intentions at particular times haven’t been for the best but show me one who hasn’t let their inner demons take over once in a while.
Basically this is me venting, venting because I am tired. Venting because I want this to be the last, venting because i would rather write about the truth about myself before I judge others. I’m writing this because I am a hypocrite also, judging others when I am no better. I’m writing this because I have wrongs to right, apologies to make that I can’t and a lot of hurt to let go. I have cared and occasionally, feigned such emotion for obvious reasons. Been double minded in judgment and two-faced on demand. But I know who I am, my flaws, each and everyone of it all and I won’t be afraid to be called out for any of it all.


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